yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
