my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize