i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize