mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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