Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
