Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
3 2 1 whiskey
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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