She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
