i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Randomize
