I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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