i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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