Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
she told me i tasted like america
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
