I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
