He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
