I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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