I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
