What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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