just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Blood and glitter go together right?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
