the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
