just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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