I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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