Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
