paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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