the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
