We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
