i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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