Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Randomize
