remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize