His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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