I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
