O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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