i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
What drink are we having for lunch?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
