FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
We named our party play list daddy issues
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
