oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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