In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
