So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
