I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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