So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
