I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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