Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Randomize
