i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I need to calm my uterus...
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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