my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
