apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Randomize
