Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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