ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
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