Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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