Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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