i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
