I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
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