I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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