Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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