After last night, I could never be a politician.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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