New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
