there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
