i need an iv and a liver transplant
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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