the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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