You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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