Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
