Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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