I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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