Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
