You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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