I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
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