1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
